Yesterday morning, INTERN packed herself some crackers and cashews in a ziplock bag and went off to spend the day in the library. At midday she took a break from her labors and went downstairs to have a snack. As she devoured her crackers, she slowly became aware of a strange taste. She was hungry, so she resolutely ignored the strange taste until it became rather...overwhelming.
Annoyed, INTERN stopped her scarfing to inspect the contents of the ziplock. And found two whitish, nearly transpararent cubes of some sort of chemical giving off the harsh scent that had infected the food.
At home that evening, INTERN questioned her roommates about the incident. Now, INTERN has never mentioned this before, but her HIppie Roommate is not her only roommate. INTERN also has a male Vampire Roommate whom she has never had cause to mention because he spends all his time in his room with the lights off, nursing a bong the size of an office water cooler.
INTERN's Vampire Roommate tends to only come out at night, in full and rather beautiful gothic regalia and makeup. He has mentioned his vampiric leanings a few times, mostly when intoxicated, but that is neither here nor there.
INTERN caught Vampire Roommate on his way out the door to some kind of club night where he was going to meet a female vampire with whom he was quite twitterpated.
After a minute or so of questioning, it was revealed that the weird chemical INTERN had eaten at the library that day was camphor, which INTERN's Vampire Roommate was using to (quote) "soak up the evil spirits from the kitchen."
Which means that INTERN actually ate some of said evil spirits which had presumably leaked into her crackers.
Score one point for real life being weirder than fiction.
Take a nap in your pew and you'll be right as rain.
ReplyDeleteSo many questions...
ReplyDeleteAre vampires not evil? Does this one wish to soak up the kitchen-evil so that it cannot compete with his own evil? I, too, believe my kitchen to be evil, mostly because every time I am in it work is required.
Does your roommate sparkle? Is his love interest a wet-bracken-laying moron? Mayhap you can defeat your vampire by inviting over a comely underage werewolf.
If your vampire is not the above, is he George Hamilton? (Hmm. If he were GH then he would love the sun, vampirism be damned! Darn. I love GH.)
And, finally and most important, what kind of crackers?
Save these odd things up for your book. I'm sure you can use them. Either that or you can use them as a writing challenge starting point for your blog followers. You can give them the rest of the evil spirits as a prize. :)
ReplyDeleteThis is the part where you tell us about your new superpowers, right?
ReplyDeleteGet your own back by rubbing his dental floss with garlic.
ReplyDeleteSee if roommate had a kitchen gargoyle perched on the refrigerator (why, yes I do have one) instead, things like this wouldn't happen.
ReplyDeleteGargoyles are the perfect lookout, keeping the kitchen sanctimonious. (Hugs)Indigo
Okay, so what was INTERN tasting? The chemicals? Or the evil?
ReplyDeleteHopefully not the chemicals—camphor is pretty toxic.
ReplyDeleteSomeone prone to mischief might grill Vampire Roommate for specifics on said evil spirits and then begin to display those traits. Or, point out 6 other places in the apartment where you're not sure but could swear you've seen shadows, now that he's mentioned it, and could he put some camphor down there, too.
ReplyDeleteJust saying...
Everyone knows that thyme soaks up evil kitchen spirits way better than camphor.
ReplyDeleteVampire Roommate needs to make cameos in future posts. Please.
*Choke* *Splutter* *Guffaw*
ReplyDeleteSo...many...jokes...
*Collapses with death-rattle from funny-bone overload*
I think the evil spirits are in Vampire Roommates bong.
ReplyDelete;)
G.
I am slain. Please tell me you are working on a memoir. I know it's the voice that's important, and all, but your voice and these anecdotes are unstoppable.
ReplyDeleteThis is like Florence King for the new millennia. Ever read When Sisterhood Was in Flower?
JeffR60: don't even get INTERN started. apparently, the V.R. has been exorcising the place on a routine basis for years (he's lived here longer than INTERN). there is no corner left de-camphored or de-hexed. even the freezer. (Hippie Roommate has been filling INTERN in on all sorts of details).
ReplyDeleteFor the record, camphor is used in embalming fluid as well. Just in case that didn't put you off of your crackers already :D
ReplyDeletecannot. stop. laughing.
ReplyDeletewordver: calis
you had me at twitterpated
ReplyDelete:)
Camphor...isn't that the stuff they put in Vicks? So...you may have ingested evil...but if that saves you from nasal discomfort....just sayin'. :P
ReplyDeleteI cannot help but be curious as to what Vampire Roommate was going to do with the evil-infested-camphor. I can only imagine its potential uses as a cruel 'gift.'
ReplyDeleteMelissa: definitely the evil.
ReplyDeleteAn acquaintance experienced an unexplained fire in her bedroom. It was the seventh fire to happen to seven tenants in the house in seven years. The landlord had also experienced unexplained fires when she lived in the house after her husband passed away.
ReplyDeleteThe fire department was baffled. They determined point of origin, a pile of dirty laundry, but not cause. The fire and all the preceeding fires seemed to all accounts caused by supernatural spontaneous combustion. The landlord was convinced the house was haunted by the spirit of her late husband.
The landlord was a fine art painting professor at the local college. She only rented to fine art painting students. Everyone painted with oil paints made with raw linseed oil. They all absentmindedly wiped their brushes on their painting clothes. Linseed oil is notorious for spontaneous combustion.
You have a great blog here. I like checking out travel blogs much like yours at times. I have a blog myself which I hope will be a great resource for those looking to go on vacation. I want everyone to get that "vacation feeling" every time they come to my site. You know what I'm talking about.
ReplyDeleteI'd like to exchange links with you to help spread some traffic around between each other. Please let me know if this is possible. Until then, keep up the good work.
Jason
ThatVACATIONfeeling.com
Wow. I also had a Vampire Roommate once upon a time. And he was quite crazy. I often found myself feel that I couldn't make this sh** up. Good luck - my life with a vampire roommate didn't end well.
ReplyDeleteHave the evil spirits started INTERN speaking in tongues yet? Any stigmata involved? Inquiring minds want to know.
ReplyDeleteNo need to worry about moths eating your clothing, Dear; you're poison to the little devils. Maybe you could find employment as an "ubiquitous woolen storage unit"?
ReplyDeleteI think vampire boy's an amateur. I went out with a girl who was evil, and she tasted like roasted almonds and barbeque shapes. Camphor won't get the job done. It will keep silver fish out of your bag, and thats handy.
ReplyDeleteOT: The smart bitches at http://www.smartbitchestrashybooks.com are looking for interns....
ReplyDeleteLink: http://www.smartbitchestrashybooks.com/index.php/weblog/comments/internship-ahoy/
Oh, thank god those days are over! No more fucking roomates ever agian.
ReplyDeleteUm, just wow :P. Please tell me you didn't have seizures from the camphor, because that's cause to get some kind of roommate revenge post haste!
ReplyDelete