Thursday, May 12, 2011

the curious incident of the RATTLESNAKE in the night

CAUTION: Do not read this post if you are squeamish about snakes or the ingestion thereof. Thank you.

INTERN has not written much here about her life at the ranch, but last week there was an Incident so utterly...unusual...that INTERN cannot help but share it here. Also, because she has been telling you about rattlesnakes and she wants you to know she's really not exaggerating.

INTERN always suspected the cabin wasn't snakeproof.

Then one night, her suspicions were confirmed.

In case you are wondering, that is a diamondback rattler. On INTERN's kitchen floor*.

Alerted by INTERN's cries of OH FUCK calm demeanor, the Ranch Hands rushed in and dispatched it**. In case you are wondering, that is the rattler's actual HEAD. (it's dead in this picture).

Now, the rule at the ranch is if you dispatch a wild creature, you're not allowed to waste it. Next thing INTERN knew, she found herself in the middle of a chicken-fried rattlesnake cook-off. INTERN shits you not.

It was the grossest thing ever. And also kind of bad-ass. And even though INTERN is not a meat eater, it made her feel better to see that snake go to good use after it was dead.

Since then, INTERN has seen at least one snake every single day. But she is a little less afraid of them now.

*Full disclosure: INTERN took this picture after the rattlesnake was already dead. When it was alive, she was too busy having a heart attack to grab her camera.

**INTERN is not generally in favor of dispatching wild creatures, but the Ranch Hands do not share her qualms when it comes to kitchen snakes.


  1. Wow!
    I am not, as a rule, squeamish anymore. I used to be, but then I had two children. It really beats the squeamish right out of you.
    But a rattler on the kitchen floor is not okay. I would have the same heart attack that you did.
    And even though I happily eat (some kinds of) meat... I would have to pass that dish up.

  2. Definitely better to eat it than to just toss it, I think. And when you're the perfect shape to fill a hotdog bun, you're asking for it...

  3. The only good thing about finding a rattlesnake on one's kitchen floor is that it's better than finding a snake on one's bathroom floor in the wee hours of the night. With one's bare feet.

    Didn't happen to me, but to a friend of mine. Kudos to you for having the balls to take pictures of the snake corpse. Tha's a big 'un, too. (shuddering) Writing in Flow

  4. So who won the cook-off?? I'm assuming the winner gets to keep the rattler-skin girdle.

  5. That is terrifying. I think I would have had a heart attack and keeled over right on the spot!

  6. Even though I've been a vegetarian since before INTERN roamed the Earth, I would have no qualms about dispatching a freakin' diamond-backed rattler slithering through my freakin' kitchen!!!

    (Being all One With Nature is fine, provided you're alive to continue doing so. Diamond Backed Rattlers are not know for their "let's sit down with a nice cup of camomile tea and discuss our species differences and explore creative, artistic ways we can bridge those divides and draw our communities closer together" tendencies. They're much more the "Why, hello food! Watch as my distended jaws open wide enough to swallow you whole after I inject you with two fangfulls of venom. Sssssucker" types.)

    I do hope the Great Rattler Cook-Off was presided over, Iron Chef-style, with INTERN taking a hearty bite out of a green pepper and shouting "A la CUISINE!"

    -- Tom

  7. "INTERN shits you not."

    I suspect the Intern and I would get along splendidly, based solely on that phrase.

    I'm also an "aw, let the spider live!" kind of kid, but that philosophy does not extend to stretch reptiles in the house.

  8. Is that a broom in the corner of the first picture? Is that what was used to dispatch said rattlesnake? If so, then you are clearly not in Texas, because the ranch hands would have blown off its head with a shotgun.

    And I love that someone is sprinkling a pinch of spice over the cooking rattlesnake. So very MasterChef.

  9. This is going to make your German western so much more authentic.

  10. This is horrifying. I would need boatloads of wine to recover from something like this.


  11. Holy crapper. That is so hardcore.

  12. Sorry to break this to you Intern - but snakes don't just drop by to visit. You probably have mice too.


  13. If you are seeing snakes at every turn, I think the cosmos is trying to tell you something about your sex life....maybe an erotic thriller is in your future.

  14. Aaaaah, even looking at that picture made me squirm! Having fried rattlesnake does seem very badass... Go Intern!!

  15. Julie: INTERN already knew the place was infested with mice, but it never occurred to her that they would attract snakes! she should have listened to the Ranch Hands about setting traps.

  16. Traps? But then, according to the rules of the ranch, you would have to eat the mousies, no?