Tuesday, April 20, 2010

the grapes of april

Hello, fabulous people!

INTERN has returned from her sylvan hideaway (yes, it was a camping trip—Techie Boyfriend always seems to sense when INTERN needs to be kept away from things like electrical sockets at all costs, and INTERN's mental health, volatile at the best of the times, is feeling much more robust after a week spent searching for morels. ((an activity only slightly complicated by the fact that neither Techie Boyfriend nor INTERN have the faintest idea when morels are supposed to fruit, nor where to find them.))

This month has been a hailstorm of book-related activity, little of which has actually made it onto this blog because INTERN has, by and large, been too hyperactive and/or consumptive to post. Anyway, here's what's been going on:

-A few weeks ago, INTERN's forthcoming book received its first review. (title of said book is 99 Funky Getaways For Active Seniors In the Midwest. There, INTERN has finally divulged her secret! Go forth and purchase it from your favorite independent bookstores! ) INTERN's publicist told INTERN the date on which to expect the review, and INTERN duly stayed up late fretting the night before, then arose very early, her heart filled with dread, to see if she could track the damn thing down.

After a quick internet search, INTERN found the review, but by that time INTERN's mind was so clouded with dread and paranoia that she could literally not comprehend the words on the screen. Reading the review felt like this:

Actual wording of review: " 99 Funky Getaways For Active Seniors In the Midwest is an indispensable and often hilarious guide to..."

INTERN sees: 99 Funky Getaways For Active Seniors In the Midwest is a useless pile of snake-baloney whose paltry attempts at humor fail to..."

Actual wording of review: " 99 Funky Getaways For Active Seniors In the Midwest will find an eager audience among seniors, twenty-somethings, infants, toddlers, and the deceased."

INTERN sees:: 99 Funky Getaways For Active Seniors In the Midwest will be sneered at with equal disdain by seniors, twenty-somethings, etc...."

It was a truly horrifying morning. A few hours later when the rest of the world was awake, INTERN's publicist called.

Publicist (wearing a grin audible through the telephone): "Aren't you just ecstatic?"
INTERN (haggard and delusional): "I guess you saw the review."
Publicist: "Haven't you read it yet? It's positively glowing."
INTERN: (*quiet sob of shame*)
Publicist: You haven't read it.

-In other book-related developments, a big box of ARCs (Author Review Copies) arrived while INTERN was hunting for morels, which Hippie Roommate duly opened and set up bookstore-style so that a veritable co-op table of 99 Funky Getaways For Active Seniors In the Midwest was waiting on the kitchen table when she returned.

Said Hippie Roommate: "I sent a copy to my grandma. I hope you don't mind."

Vampire Roommate has not commented on the books, but with Vampire Roommate, an exorcism is never far off.

-INTERN has also been cranking out tons of Funky Senior-related essays and articles for various magazines and newspapers, as part of the book's promotional campaign. Sometimes, INTERN feels like her life has come to revolve around Funky Seniors, their antics and their needs. Sometimes, INTERN would rather snip off a piece of her brain than write another bright and funny bulleted list of things Funky Seniors should not forget to bring when they go on their Active Getaways. Ye Gods! INTERN has also been learning a few things about the magazine and online magazine markets, which she will discuss in a future post.

-INTERN's publicist has stated, ominously, that television and radio are next on the Reading Railroad. INTERN's publicist should really refrain from saying alarmist things like that, because INTERN is apt to flee the country. Publicist, you have been warned.


Well, that brings things more or less up to date. INTERN apologizes for being rather scatterbrained lately. If anyone cares to comment with coping strategies or Buddhist chants or recommendations for pleasant mental asylums, please do. It is so wonderful to see you all again!

P.S. Yes, comment moderation is turned on again—but hopefully not for very long. It's mostly to help INTERN keep track of conversations and remember to respond. Humbly requesting your patience!


  1. Oh, INTERN! I am so happy for you. I just googled your book so that I could BUY it, but no links came up (except for a link to this very blog). Could you provide us a link, please?

  2. For you, all this promo stuff, reviews and all must be so stressful but for *us* it just sounds exciting because we all know that your book, like you and your blog, will be wonderful. Thanks for sharing!

  3. INTERN... did you mention the Ozarks? Ya know, like, the White and Norfork Rivers? Bulls Shoals and Lake Norfork? Buffalo River?

    Yes, okay, I'll buy the book and see for myself.

    Congratulations. Huck Finn says "Hey!"

    Haste yee back ;-)

  4. Here I was, reading the Intern blog and thinking of all the fun and exciting senior trips I could finally take. I go to Amazon and eagerly type in the title...to find suggestions for funky baseline music books and coffee beans. You break my heart, Intern. Break. My. Heart.

  5. Congrats, congrats, congrats! I almost wish I was old, just so I could do everything in your book and then tell everyone how perfect it is. Instead, will send a copy to my parents :)

    Well done you.

  6. I am positively glowing with pride for you. Just thinking of all those old folks you'll help get funky is a downright wholesome delight.

    But really, about reading those reviews and seeing only crap, Michelle Pfeiffer once shared this bit of wisdom: “Every time I do a movie, I think this is the one where they’re going to find me out, that I’m a total and utter fraud. And every time I get to say to myself, ‘Well, you got away with it again.’ What gets better is that you learn to accept that about yourself – that your powers of self-judgment suck.”

  7. Congratulations. I wish I could read it, but I doubt independent bookstores in Japan will be stocking it :(

    Good Luck!

  8. Great review! How funny you read it all backward - I hope you are much happier now.

    ... television and radio are next
    Your publicist is scaring *me*! How will you stay anonymous?

  9. Hey, congrats on your book!

    As for coping strategies, I read a study about how interacting with pets has a physiological calming effect and can help prevent heart attacks. Not just furry pets, either -- watching a tank full of fish also works. Maybe you could get one of those little plastic aquariums full of sea monkeys for your desk?

  10. Seniors...SENIORS?? Ye gods, little one, you're going to lose your GenX card. and I mean NOW! Don't say you weren't warned.

  11. Dear Intern,
    Radio can be a blast. But only if the publicist on the college guide that you've edited (but not actually written) does not create a fun and funky list of trivia questions about the 300 schools in the 800 page book, and sent the trivia questions to the 15 radio hosts you're chatting with that morning. And it's still fun unless the publicist also FORGOT to send you a copy, and forgot to tell you that the trivia press release even exists. And then you start to wonder, on the third interview, why the radio hosts keep asking you the same questions. (Which college has the DUCK as its mascot?)

    Other than that, it's a blast.

    S Pin.

    P.S. Stevens Institute of Technology in NJ has a duck for its mascot.

  12. High-five on the awesome review! I am anxious to finally read your book. Anything to help feed your sea monkeys. ;)

    I think your next should be a collection of intern-related stories. ;)

  13. Erm....INTERN may not have been *completely* honest about the title and subject matter of her book. In fact, she may have fooled you all with a clever decoy. Bwa-ha-ha!

  14. Welcome back!
    So how are we going to be able to read your book then?
    Promo is everything, you know. LOL

  15. Ha ha! I suspected as much. I could not believe that my sassy, young Intern would have written a funky travel guide for old fogeys (albeit this old fogey would probably have loved it).

  16. Oh, good, because that did seem like a fake book.

  17. Cruel joke, INTERN... Cruel!

    Haste yee back ;-)

  18. C'mon people! You should know INTERN by now! Sheesh.

  19. Intern would NEVER tell, people. I for one am sure of it.

  20. You know, INTERN, if you want to tell us your book title and still maintain your anonymity, here's what you could do: list four or five titles, one of which is your actual book, while the others are books by writers you admire and who may conceivably be you. That way, not only do you get your blog followers to go out and buy your book, but you get them to support good literature by other writers as well.

  21. I wouldn't put it past you to write a hilarious book with that actual title. You need to get blog friends to review/publicize your actual book so that I can find it for real! Even if I don't know it's yours, I just want to read it.

  22. What?! THAT'S what your book is about? For reals? I figured it was something semi intellectual. I understand funny, but the topic is surprising.

    Unless this is a joke. Seems obviously a joke. If not a joke, I am even more impressed. Your talents are wide reaching.

  23. Hi INTERN,
    I'm so excited for you!
    I also am surprised by the topic, but it does sound fun (I hope you like old people!).

  24. Oops..looks like not everyone saw INTERN's confession re: falsehood of her previous statement about her book's subject. INTERN will make a more public confession in the body of her next post, to avert confusion!

  25. Whew! I read through the comments. Have to say I'm relieved that you've got a different book.

    However, if you're talking about promotion and platforms...why not tell us now in order to get us all excited and spreading the word?

  26. Rule Number One: Never read reviews of your books.

    Rule Number Two: Continue to read rule number one whenever you feel compelled to read reviews of your books.