Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Guest Post: An Errant Interview

Good day, writerly colleagues! Today's guest post takes the form of an interview written by Jill Cayrol, with answers from INTERN (or INTERN's spunky ghost-writer) scattered hither and thither. INTERN herself is hard at work on her next book, "The Care And Grooming of Treasure Trolls 1988-1990," forthcoming in Mocktober 2010.

INTERN is away from her blog at the moment, most likely sitting comfortably on the church pew she rescued from the side of the road last October.  She’s probably flipping through her beloved dictionary in search of the perfect word to describe the organic cloudberry and granadilla snack square that Hippie Roommate made from scratch (after clearing all remnants of Vampire Roommate’s evil-spirit-ridding paraphernalia from every corner of the kitchen).   UNKNOWN HOPEFUL has spotted this as her one and only chance at blog-writing stardom and hopes that INTERN’s legions of fans can handle the intrusion.
In order to keep INTERN’s legions of fans partially satisfied, UNKNOWN HOPEFUL will now attempt to create a list of questions for INTERN that are in serious need of answers (quirky answers inspired by tree bark, a complete set of neon-orange friendship bracelets, and an Albanian wedding song).  UNKNOWN HOPEFUL looks to her trusty six-year-old Transformer Son in hopes that he will be as supportive and inspiring as Techie Boyfriend.
Transformer Son hands UNKNOWN HOPEFUL a tiny blue hunk of scrap metal that appears to have a robotic face poking up through a miniature radiator.  For luck, he tells her. 
Questions for INTERN:
-Will a new Nemesis Intern make an appearance at Venny McPulitzer?  Perhaps one who is kinda cute, but not cute enough to be any real threat to Techie Boyfriend?

Underlings at Venny McPulitzer were exclusively X-chromosonal. But what of that devilish doorman?
-Will INTERN ever give her legions of fans a clue about the title of her #$%!*&#!  book so that we’ll be able to rush out and buy six copies of it immediately?
See yesterday's post, in which all is revealed.

-Why hasn’t INTERN bumped into a deeply tanned, KFC-eating, WWF tee-shirt-wearing self-published author on the commuter train?

While INTERN has bumped into a few self-published authors over the past year, none of them have been eating KFC. This is probably because self-published authors are rolling in so much cash they never eat KFC—it's caviar only, baby.
-Does INTERN know how to roll a starter pot out of newspaper in which to plant seedlings that will transfer directly into her window box garden?  Or will she have to rummage through the basement of an acquaintance in hopes of finding a book to shove discretely under her green hoodie sweater borrow on the subject?

INTERN prefers to start her seedlings in rolled-up thousand-dollar bills.

-Has INTERN ever had the urge to rush off to Seattle to knit a giant tea cozy around the Elliot Bay Book Company’s front door awning in an unabashed episode of yarnbombing?

Last time INTERN tried that, she got confused and yarnbombed Trader Joes. Not sure how that happened. Memories fuzzy.
-Has INTERN ever actually seen Vampire Roommate— like with physical properties of his own— or is he just a fractured element of her own personality?  (Let’s pause to give a quick shout-out to all the make-believe friends out there... HEYYyyyy!!  Love ya! For reals!)

Vampire Roommate is real and he works for the Boys and Girls Club. He is the only member of the household who holds down a Real Job (is he some kind of god???). HIppie Roommate, Techie Boyfriend, and INTERN all freelance and hop from dubious gig to dubious gig for their rent money.
-Would INTERN say that her background in dumpster diving is part of the reason her shizzle is so awesome?
No, but dumpster diving is definitely the reason there's 20 pounds of applesauce in the freezer.

UNKNOWN HOPEFUL stops here.... she is certain that INTERN is ready to return to her blog, having secured the perfect snack square description word:  selcouth.
Transformer Son takes back his tiny blue hunk of scrap metal, holds it up, and asks UNKNOWN HOPEFUL if she thinks Techie Boyfriend would be able to rig it so the little robotic face lights up and makes random beeping noises.  
UNKNOWN HOPEFUL tells him she thinks so.


  1. A little Rubus chamaemorus, eh, Intern? ;)

  2. Am laughing all the way in NZ. And if you don't know what "NZ" means, I'll shove a Kiwi bird up your rectum....which I will also find unroariously funny.

  3. INTERN prefers to start her seedlings in rolled-up thousand-dollar bills.

    HAHAHAHA! Keep the LOLs coming, Intern!

  4. How did Transformer Son's Mom (also mom to Tiny Music Conductor, and Busy Baby Boy) find time to write this post? Weren't you terribly busy rescuing toys thrown out your apartment window, and dealing with the neighbors who wonder why water is dripping into their apartment? Beep-beep Transformer Son. I know you--Unknown Hopeful because you are my little bird. Gotta go and look for INTERN'S book because she is a hoot, and I am a funky senior. Invite INTERN and Techie Boyfriend to visit you in France, and you can all go south and look for Truffles.